I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
