I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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