Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
