I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
