I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
