I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
