I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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