I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
