I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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