My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
