my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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