my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
