I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
