You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
