Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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