Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
