So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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