woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
