I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
