how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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