I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
