the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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