That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
