The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just tell him i said nine months
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
