My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
