I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize