Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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