Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize