Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
