Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
