Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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