just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize