Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
