Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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