saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
