I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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