Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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