you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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