She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Pooping to opera.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize