well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
