Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
