so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
