I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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