nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
