apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
