did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
