dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
