I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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