see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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