I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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