I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
