If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
