You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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