Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
