The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
