just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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