come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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