how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
