I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
