Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
