I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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